Adventures in job hunting. Ep. 3 — Paralysis

March 20, 2012

During my job search today I came across a blog post titled, “The need to be certain causes paralysis.” It just hit me, SMACK! It wasn’t a new idea, as this is something I’ve always struggled with, but it was the smack-in-the-face reminder that I needed.

For as long as I can remember I rarely make a move without being 100 93.25 percent certain of it’s outcome. I don’t just get nervous, like normal people, I literally (well, figuratively) become paralyzed with fear. I’ve let countless opportunities pass me by because it pushes me out of my comfort zone and scares the shit out of me. I’d rather be safe, in my own little world, with my little laundromat/post office life and just… be.

Last year I took a massive leap of faith and took a job I feared was above my head and was going to just destroy any confidence I had in my writing and social media skills. It didn’t. Unfortunately, my year as an actual paid writer for one of the biggest websites in the entire world hasn’t given me the “You can do anything you put your mind to!!!” confidence you’d think it would have.

Instead I’ve spent the past three months trying to be the perfect future-writer. “I’m going to learn everything I need to know and start applying it to my blog posts (I haven’t, clearly). I’m going to actually pay attention to how/what I’m writing and edit my blog posts with the proper grammar and punctuation. I’ll even use the semicolon properly (Nope.). I will write every single day, practice makes perfect!!!(Hogwash!!)”

I’ve done none of these things, well not consistently anyway. Why not? I’m not sure.

It’s probably fear. Mostly the fear that I’m not even a barely competent writer. Fear that I’m just wasting my time working on skills that may not even be utilized. Fear that I might not even want to be a “writer.” Fear that if I decide that I don’t want to be a writer, then what? I don’t know.

What does that even mean, anyway? Writer. Pshh… well I know I will never be a journalist. I’m barely a blogger. I can tweet. And lately I’ve even failed hard at that.

I can write words. I can put my thoughts into a semi-coherent post that sometimes conveys what I actually intended it to.

It all boils down to passion, and right now, I have none.

I guess you can say, I’ve growing apathetic and paralyzed.

No.

I am apathetic and paralyzed.

I used to be filled with the desire to connect with people and new ideas. People and new ideas outside of my comfort zone. People who shared similar values/interests/hobbies, people who opposed everything I stand for, people… in general. Now, I’ve found myself in my own little world. I interact with the same people every day. I read the same Twitter lists, which haven’t been updated in ages. I even listen to the same damn music over and over and over again. Why? Because I know it.

Everything is just safe and stale right now.

I’m not going to bullshit you guys and say, “So… on that note, I’m going to turn this shit around and snap the hell out of it.” I respect all 8 of you more than that.

I will say this though, I need to figure out what the hell I’m going to do, and fast, before I’m stuck in this apathetic space forever.

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2 Responses to “Adventures in job hunting. Ep. 3 — Paralysis”


  1. The important thing is that you are keeping a positive outlook that favors optimism.

    • Candice Says:

      I had a bad day. Ok, that’s not true, I was pretty frustrated. And apparently when I give up hope, I get a call from my recruiter about a possible job. So… the lesson here is that I shouldn’t stress out so much, or something.


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