The war on everything

April 13, 2012

Did you folks know we’re at war? No, I’m not talking about Afghanistan or Iran or The War on Terror, I’m talking about a war on literally everything. And everyone is a target.

There’s a War on Religion.

There’s a War on Women.

There’s a War on Moms.

There’s an impending Race War.

There’s a War on Jobs.

There’s a War on Obesity.

There’s a War on Grilled Cheese Sandwiches.

There’s even a War on Salt.

I understand that using catchy little phrases is easier than actually explaining what is really going on. I understand that we live in the Twitter News Cycle now, and every single person can only use 140 characters or less to explain very complex situations.

I also know that NO ONE LIKES WAR. So, what better way to get people to come over to your “side” than to whisper, “Yo, there’s a secret war being waged and guess who the target is? YOU!! That’s right, there’s a War on You! Join us and help us fight back. Also, please donate to [Random Politician]’s campaign.

I know what you’re thinking, “Well, shit. If there’s a war on ME then BRING IT ON!! I’m going to take these guys down… wait… huh? I’m just sitting at my computer drinking my 4th cup of coffee this morning and reading headlines on Twitter (because I’m much too busy to actually read the whole story)… where’s this war? I don’t see it.”

Like any good political operative will tell you, you’ll never see it. By the time the general population notices, it will be too late. The damage will be done and your inactivity will be to blame.

We have almost 8-ish months until the November election. That means there’s still time for more wars and more victims to be gathered more fighting back. It’s time to pick up your weapons and ensure that your side wins the most victims voters.

Politics is dirty. No. It’s beyond dirty. It’s a soul-destroying pit filled with hundreds of years worth of liquefied animal manure and people willingly swim around in it. Now you too must jump in and do your part. For America.