Last weekend it was brought to my attention just how evil the Animal Humane Society is. To make matters worse, I found out about its evilness two years after voluntarily bringing a kitten there.

About two years ago I adopted a cat, Phineas. He was so cute, and soooo sweet! He really seemed to fit in with my cat family perfectly (Oh dear god that sounds so “cat lady”-ish.)


But then my 6-year-old male cat, Max, decided he didn’t really like Phineas and he started peeing all over the place (men, I tell ya!)!! After months of trying to fix the problem I came to the sad realization that I can’t keep all the cats and still keep a clean house. (I’ve seen “Hoarders” I know how this shit ends, once you give up on cleanliness you’re one step closer to sleeping on garbage piled up in your kitchen. Nope. Not gonna happen.)


So I talked to my life-partner Brian and he called around and found a place willing to take him and it would cost me $40 to surrender the cat. I was informed that since Phineas was still a kitten he would be easily adopted (or so I thought). So, Brian takes Phineas to the Humane Society in St. Paul since I couldn’t possibly have done it.

Now, this is where shit gets stupid.

Before last weekend, this is what I thought went down. Brian took Phineas to the humane society in St. Paul, paid $40, signed some papers or whatever and that was that. I felt good about it especially since Phineas was so young and could be easily adopted and would go to a good home without a bully cat to harass him. Yay me!! I’m a good person!


This is what really went down.

Brian brought Phineas to the Animal Humane Society, while they were trying to cut Phineas’ nails he bit or tried to bite one the workers. So, said worker approaches Brian and says, “Since he tried to bite me while trimming his nails, we have to put him down.”

Now, let’s digest this for a minute. This is a fucking kitten, not a Michael Vick rescue dog trained to kill! And yes, little kittens aren’t used to people trying to trim their nails, but should they be killed because of that? No. Hell, I’d bite the bitch too, Phineas obviously knew that person was bad. (Or so I’d like to think.)

So, Brian is allowed to be in the room when they kill Phineas. They weren’t even there 10 minutes before I essentially paid $40 to kill a great kitten. Yes, the $40 “surrender” fee still needed to be paid. How fucking sick is that? Dumb bitches probably just pocketed the money. (Oh, yes, I’m very bitter.)

Now, I found out about this on December 1, after a Christmas party. Brian feels awful for lying to me for 2 years, but he knew the truth would break my heart. And it did. I’m devastated. If I had known they were going to kill him, I would have hired the fucking cat whisperer to come to my house and make it work. I don’t care how much it would cost. But I NEVER, EVER would have been ok with them killing Phineas.

After learning what I did, I started doing some research. Apparently my story is disgustingly common. In 2008 City Pages did a story on the awfulness of the Animal Humane Society (where Phineas was taken). While they’re the largest “animal welfare” (used very loosely, obviously) organization in the state, they’re ruthless killing machines. “AHS euthanizes about 40 percent of the animals it takes in.”

This is how they determine if they’re going to kill a dog or not:

Animals that make it past the medical component are then subjected to a temperament review to make sure they are suitable for adoption. Dogs go through a controversial 30-minute behavior screening using a modified test developed by Sue Sternberg with the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. The test determines whether a dog has a potential for aggression, says Dixon. In one instance a rubber hand tries to take food away from the dog to see how it reacts—to learn if it will growl or nip.

If I’m in the middle of eating tacos, and some creepy rubber hand tries to take it away, I’d probably attack too. Who the fuck comes up with these “tests”?

Cats? Oh, this is just sickening:

With cats, the equation is much simpler, says an AHS technician. If a cat tries to bite, scratch, or attack you, it’s gone.

Had I known what I know now this situation would have NEVER happened. Now I have to live with the guilt of knowing that I tried to take the easy way out and find a better home for a perfect kitten and that decision resulted in his unnecessary death.


So, the TL;DR version: Just found out that two years ago AHS killed my kitten for trying to bite a worker who was trying to cut his nails.


WTF internet?!

December 7, 2011

These are stories that either made me laugh, cry, or fly into a fit of rage.

1) FDA approves does not approve new hangover pill:
The “pill”, called Blowfish which will sell for $2.99, is a combination of caffeine, aspirin and random crap to calm your stomach and works like magic in 15 to 30 minutes. You know what else contains caffeine and Aspirin and stomach calming stuff? Excedrin and tums. Some outlets reported that the FDA approved this magical little pill on Tuesday, however the FDA says they have not approved the pill to treat hangovers and only recently just heard about it. You’re better off sleeping it off and drinking plenty of water and/or Gatorade anyway.

2) Bennett isn’t real:
Last week or so when I was first introduced to “Texts from Bennett” I wanted him to be real. I really did. Mostly because these “texts” are the most ridiculous things I’ve read this month. Unfortunately, the Smoking Gun reports that Bennett is not real. Well, they don’t really say that, but “Bennett” is a pseudonym for David Sheldon’s real friend or something and Sheldon may or may not be making it up. Who knows. They’re still funny, however less so, now that there’s serious suspicion over the realness of Bennett.

3) “Mythbusters” shoot cannon ball into home
I love the Mythbusters. Mostly because they show you that science can be really funny and sometimes (see: all the time) things go wrong. But I really like when they blow up stuff and show how awesome duct tape is. Anyway, apparently something went wrong when the crew was at the Alameda County Firing Range recently: they fired a cannonball into someone’s home. (Wonder if they’ll air that on the episode they were filming.) Police say the cannonball took “a few unfortunate bounces” and ended up blasting a hole in the wall of the home. No one was injured and police are of course investigating.

4) Commie Muppets are brainwashing your children
Maybe it’s just me and my utter exhaustion at everything being turned into a political “Gotcha!” but for fucks sake, the Muppets are not brainwashing your children. I guess if we’re going that route, better keep your kids away from any “Scrooge” stories this Christmas. You know, because Scrooge is really just a substitute for Corporations who are mean cold-hearted entities that only want to make money and say “Screw you Tiny Tim, hope you die!” (Ok, he never says that… but I’m pretty sure you get my point.) Just take things for what they are, people. It’s a movie, based on the same story line used in nearly every single movie ever made: hero, conflict, resolution=hero wins. If you don’t like it, don’t take your kids to see the movie. And if a movie overrides the values you teach your kids, then you’re probably a bad parent.